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avantgardeodist
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Name: J
Country: United States
State: Illinois
Birthday: 7/4/1987
Gender: Male
Interests: Philosophy, psychology, and sociology dominate my interests as of late. I am something of a student of the human condition, one could say. People interest me to no end. What makes them tick, why they do the things they do, it's all so interesting. Sometimes it becomes difficult to establish that I too am one of them.
I would say that I'm interested in art as well, I like to express myself in my drawings, sketches, and paintings, and just draw for fun.
Musically, I'm something of a classic rock aficionado, I like a lot of Pink Floyd, Led Zeppelin, and the such, but also appreciate some modern groups like Porcupine Tree, Remy Zero, and Coldplay. Oh, and I can't forget the Presidents of the United States of America.
I'm also something of a history nerd at times, I like the Roman era and the Dark Ages quite a lot, as well as various things concerned with the Celtic people. Mythology is interesting as well, in whatever form it comes.
Occupation: Student
Industry: Art
Message: message meEmail: email me
AIM:  Ideal Paragon
MSN: quixotic@email.com
Member Since:
10/2/2004
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| Wow, I haven't used this thing in ages. It still sends me subscription updates, and I suppose that's what drew me back here. Right now it's 8:30 in the AM and I never did go to bed last night. I'm waiting for the cafeteria to start serving breakfast (well, brunch) at 10:30 and then I'm gonna sleep.What a terrible waste of what looks like it's going to be a very nice, sunny day.
A lot has changed since I've been on here, hell, I should hope so it's been almost a year and a half. Honestly though I don't feel like letting the Internet-in-General in on all this mostly because I highly doubt anyone has anything beyond a fleeting interest in any of it.
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| So many people are so like one another, even if they seem different.
Sit in any well-traveled place for a length of time and you'll sit it:
countless archetypes and stereotypes, replaying themselves with small
discrepancies over and over in front of your eyes. The differences are
subtle, sometimes seemingly non-existant, but after watching for quite
awhile I begin to think I've seen this people before; truthfully, I may
as well have.
I cease to be surprised, really.
Even this, this is more than likley not unique. I imagine someone is
having these same thoughts, sitting in a cold room, wearing plaid pants
and a jacket from the sixth grade, writing them down in a depressive
fashion across the pages of some sort of online journal.
I could say it's humbling, but it's not. It's just upsetting.
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| They are not dead, only sleeping.
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| The faceless man appeared suddenly, unnoticed by the quarreling scholar
and Bohemian, and in one feel swipe of his cruel knife of nihilism,
struck the two with a mortal blow. Eyeless sockets stared down upon the
bleeding bodies, and he held the knife aloft, letting drip down the
blood of the fallen. Conflict ceased as the two great combatants lay
dying, sustinence coming in short breaths through collapsing lungs.
A bleak peace descended into every corner of the world.
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| The campfire tonight was really boring. The last time we had one, it was far superior.
I was hoping that this would help me absolve some feelings of
dissociation, but in the end it just agitated them even more. In the
end I just felt even more cold and distant than I had been before. Even
now it's difficult to find the words, I just feel so far away from the
now. The idea of zen is non-existant in my mind; I am never fully
present.
It brings up some strange ideas though, when I think about how this
fail. It makes me realize a potenially fatal folly: I've been trying to
mask my dissassociation. To cover it up, to make myself forget about
it, for however long I can manage. I can't help but think that this is
either wrong or entirely right...
I mean, how can I get to the root of the problem if I don't know where
to look? It rises forth from an unconquerable darkness, a deep
blackness that no amount of thoughtful awareness can penetrate. Perhaps
it is so deep that I can't even tell where or when it begins, it simply
exists.
Is this how everyone who dares to question existence feels? Sometimes I
wonder what life would be like if things were different. I wonder: what
if were someone else? Many times I look down upon those who spend their
time intoxicated and seeking out the realization of carnal desires...
but what if I were one of those people? It's interesting to think about
such a thing, and draw some parallels... and on that topic, I've got to
ask myself: Am I happy with myself? Who I am?
I just don't know anymore...
Anyway, I've been trying to mask this problem... and maybe that is, in
fact, the way to do it. Cover it up with something happier. Problem is,
that never works for long. Eventually it comes back, and I'm faced with
the feeling once again.
I need to love, as terribly cliched and expected as that sounds, I need
to love and I need to be loved. I just need to find the right woman...
someone whose view correspond with my own, who understands my
worldview, who isn't wrapped up in what other people think of her...
then I have to work around my innate shyness and do something about
it.... maybe.
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